Tag: breast cancer thriver

Spring into your power

Happy Spring yogis! Yesterday was the spring equinox, or the first day of spring, when the length of the light matches the length of the dark, for those of us in the northern hemisphere. I celebrated the day, and the coming season of increasing light, with 108 sun salutations. 108 sun salutations are practiced by many yogis for different reasons, including marking the change of seasons, celebrating important dates or occasions, re-connecting to our practice, cleansing, detoxifying, optimizing energy flow in the body, and so many others. Here is a short vid of the last set of my 108 (you can tell it was the end and I was pooped by how hard I am breathing 😉 ).

What is up with the number 108? Well this number is considered sacred and significant in many different traditions from Ayurveda to astronomy, Buddhism, Hinduism, and others. And for those of you sports fans, I also learned from my teacher that 108 is the number of stitches on a baseball! As you know, sun salutations are combinations or sequences of movements in yoga practice that are meant to build heat in the body, and to create a moving meditation as we repeat these movements in concert with our breath. Sun salutations can be vigorous, and 108 is a big number, so practicing this can be challenging to body and mind. But the benefits of the practice can be so profound. Here are a few of the reasons I like to do it.

One simple one is to celebrate the change of seasons, and specifically for Spring, to welcome the increasing light and clarity as winter passes. Creating the habit of practicing 108 at the change of seasons just helps remind us to take a little time to recognize the changes, and what they might mean for us in our lives.

Many of you know, I love sun salutations for their moving meditative qualities. When I practice sun sals, I truly get lost in the harmonization of my body with my breath as I transition from one shape to the next. It is almost impossible not to be truly present in this place, as my thinking mind quiets to stillness.

Another important reason I like to practice 108 with some regularity is that is provides an opportunity for me to consciously recommit to my yoga practice. Like anyone, I occasionally find a little stagnation in my practice or lose motivation, and 108 always stokes that inner fire right back up and reminds me why I get on my mat, renewing my dedication and love for yoga.

Perhaps the most important reason I keep coming back to this practice of 108 sun salutations is the way in which it brings me face to face with the strength and resilience of my body and my mind. When I practice 108, I feel healthy, confident, and empowered, despite the scars, asymmetries, and limitations that my cancer treatment left behind. I was a little reluctant to share this video, as it so obviously shows my wonky chest, with one breast implant high and prominent due to fibrosis from radiation, and the other riding lower and highlighting the breast animation deformity (movement effect from the pectoralis muscle). While overall I am very grateful just to be alive and healthy, and I feel fortunate to have even been able to have bilateral breast reconstruction after my cancer treatment…. there is certainly still a part of me that feels “ugly” and “damaged” when I see myself in certain images or videos. However, when I watched this particular video clip after recovering from my practice and savasana, instead of those negative emotions, I felt love and compassion for myself. I felt full acceptance and even an embracing of all of my physical scars and imperfections, as well as my sometimes busy and judging mind, my self-doubt, my fears, all of it…. in other words I was able to welcome the whole catastrophe that is me (a reference to Jon Kabat Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living, a guide to mindfulness).

And THIS is the magic of yoga. As one famous yoga teacher Rachel Brathen so eloquently said, “The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible or standing on your head is not the goal. The goal is to create space where you were once stuck. To unveil layers of protection you’ve built around your heart. To appreciate your body and become aware of the mind and the noise it creates. To make peace with who you are. The goal is to love…. well, you”.

So for all of these reasons, today on the second day of Spring, I am devoted to continuing this yoga journey of growth and transformation, to continue to nourish and strengthen my body, heart, mind, and spirit.

My wish for you is that you find whatever practices or habits leave you similarly empowered and motivated to love and care for yourself as you recover from cancer and the effects of its treatment. It doesn’t have to be yoga or 108 sun salutations. It could be walking or painting, cycling or swimming, gardening or singing. But find what works for you. You owe it to yourself and you have the power.

Namaste

The power of finding contentment in uncomfortable places

Have you ever done the splits (aka hanumanasana) on a piece of driftwood? Yeah, so it wasn’t the best idea, nor the most comfortable place I’ve ever practiced this pose. But it was a pretty scene along my hike, so I went ahead. And it actually turns out to be nicely symbolic of the idea behind this awesome quote from Walt Whitman. “Happiness, not in another place, but this place…. not for another hour, but this hour”. To me, this quote echoes of santosha, one of my favorite of the niyamas from yoga philosophy, which help guide us in developing healthy attitudes and thought patterns to support us both on and off of our yoga mats. Santosha means contentment, and the idea is that we must strive to find some level of contentment in all circumstances, irrespective of how uncomfortable or difficult those circumstances might be. Yoga teaches us to practice finding ease and contentment in the most uncomfortable positions, like this one, hanumanasana, or some other crowd favorites like utkatasana (sometimes called chair pose) or navasana (boat pose).

As with most things in yoga asana practice, the practice of santosha on the mat is a little microcosm preparing us for santosha off the mat, in real life. Finding contentment in the midst of physical struggle (like screaming hamstrings or quivering quadriceps) trains us to more easily be able to find contentment when challenging situations arise off of the mat. And I think this is why santosha speaks to me so much. As cancer survivors, we have many uncomfortable or challenging moments, like the physical challenge of healing from surgery or radiation, coping with long term effects of those treatments, waiting patiently for chemo side effects to subside, the PTSD- like fear of going in for follow up testing, and even the tragic loss of one of our warrior brothers or sisters. While there is obviously no magic trick that will make all of these challenging moments go away, nor make navigating them easy peasy, a little practice in santosha can make them less painful and more manageable, thus opening up some space for more enjoyable emotions to arise.

Just as we learn to do on our mat while the teacher is counting breaths so slowly that it seems like we’ll just die here in boat pose, we relax our minds (maybe even smile a little at how damn slow her breathing is!), tune in to our own breath, and bear with it. And so often, we find out that we can stick with it longer than we thought! We discover that we have those same tools at our disposal when life throws us a really challenging situation. We can relax our minds, tune in to our breath, and hang in there, happily encountering that deep well of calm strength that we didn’t know was there. Obviously some life challenges are profound and completely overwhelming, making even the calmest, coolest spirits get flustered. That is life and it is ok. But perhaps those are the times that this practice is most important. So that, instead of falling completely and irreversibly to pieces, we eventually… no matter how long it takes…. come back to our breath, drop in to that calm peaceful mind, and again find our strength and determination to move forward. In this way, yoga empowers us, creating resilience, an inner confidence, and a knowing that, whatever arises, we can breathe through it. It’s really kindof a superpower. When we learn to tap in to this resilience and this ability to find contentment despite outer circumstances, our suffering shrinks and our joy and happiness grow.

So whatever challenge you might be going through today, instead of allowing yourself to stew in it and suffer, see if you can’t take a deep breath, smile to yourself and practice finding that little sliver of happiness…. in this place…. in this hour. You have the power. Keep practicing and see it grow even stronger.

Namaste

Root down strong like a banyan tree

This incredible banyan tree lies at the entrance to my street, and probably played at least some role in our choosing the home that we did. My husband and I both LOVE this tree, and are just in awe of its beauty, its power, its vastness, and its energy. Not to mention its resilience in continuing to thrive despite the streets that were built on either side of it. I wonder how old it is, and I’m so grateful that it wasn’t destroyed when this neighborhood was built.

Trevor Hall is a musician I was introduced to by a friend (thank you Chastity!) a year or two ago, and I love to practice yoga to his music. This lyric, “When the mind is spinning, what to believe? Root down strong like a banyan tree” has always struck me, but took on a whole new meaning as I was looking at this photo and admiring all of the aerial roots, and how these banyan trees send these roots down from their branches as a means of gaining more structural strength as well as improving access to more water and nutrients as the tree grows. So these trees have an unusual appearance, but that appearance is the result of true adaptability and versatility that give these trees their immense power.

You may have read this excerpt from Ram Dass about turning people into trees “When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You appreciate it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “You’re too this, or I’m too this.” That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees”.

So this gorgeous and resilient banyan at the base of my street reminds me of how we, as cancer survivors and thrivers, sometimes have to adapt to less than ideal situations, but when we allow ourselves to do so, we can become even stronger than before. It is so common to have a mind that is spinning, and feel overwhelmed or disoriented. But we can root down and find our footing, our balance, and our strength. This may happen in unconventional ways that look weird or different to people who don’t understand, and even to ourselves. But instead of judging ourselves or doubting ourselves, let’s practice turning ourselves into trees. And appreciating whatever jigs and jags we have had to make, whatever funny looking roots we have needed to develop to keep ourselves going. Let’s allow and love ourselves, and truly SEE ourselves with all of our beauty, our power, our vastness, and our energy. Just like my beloved banyan.

Namaste  

Being a light unto ourselves in cancer recovery

Yesterday was a really beautiful day, with a deep blue sky and warm sun shining down. The kind of sunshine that just warms your soul. And maybe I was feeling extra good because we had just gotten some good news on my nephew, who is going through a health situation. But as I was driving to the grocery and enjoying the beauty of the day, this George Harrison song came on, and it was like a scene out of a movie, when the soundtrack is just so perfectly on point. Here comes the sun, do do do, here comes the sun and I say, it’s all right…. It also happens to be one of my favorite songs to start out a yoga playlist!

Anyway, it got me thinking about just how much some simple warm sunlight can change my mood. Especially during the winter, when cold dark days can be a little bit of a downer. I’m fortunate now, to live in a place that is really pretty warm and sunny all year. But I grew up in Indiana, where the winters are dreary and cold, and I definitely had a case of seasonal affective disorder as a kid. And boy, during some of those stretches of darkness, the warmth of the sun could do so much to lift my spirits. Even still, in Puerto Vallarta, sometimes we have weather patterns that bring days of cloudiness and more chilly air, and we had a bit of one of these recently, which is maybe another reason the sun felt so good yesterday.

But one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t control the weather. Duh, right? Sometimes we are just going to have stretches of cold or darkness, and periods of difficulty or challenge, that make us long for the light to come back in. The same is true in life, of course. We are all going to have periods of relative darkness, no matter how much we resist them….and no matter how much we go on vacation 😉 So when those periods of darkness and difficulty come, we need to be able to light our own path. And the Buddha (or Krishnamurti depending on where u look) encouraged us to do so, saying “Be a light unto yourself”. This is one of the places where yoga and yoga philosophy can really help us, as we traverse these cold and dark periods in cancer treatment and recovery. We can learn to find our own light to warm and guide us through difficult times.

Yoga teaches us to turn inward, to connect with our bodies and our inner light. Yoga teaches us to find contentment and joy, despite external circumstances, to be less attached to whatever might be going on around us. Yoga trains us to remain peaceful and at ease, even in the midst of challenge (be it a long hold in boat pose or a life challenge off the mat). Yoga helps us find and strengthen that inner light, empowering us to find our own way out of the darkness. Of course it is awesome when a little sunshine joins in and gives us a boost. But just in case the sun in the sky is obscured today where you are, do what you can to find and fan that light of your own. Trust me. It is there and it is brilliant.

Namaste

A flexible mind = a peaceful presence

Happy New Year yogis and friends! Are you a New Year’s Resolution type of person? I never really have been. But I do think the turn of the calendar year is a good time to take a little stock of where we are, how we are doing, and where we might like to see some change in the coming year. My preference is more for setting intentions for the new year. Not resolutions, like I want to accomplish X,Y,Z specific thing. This seems too rigid, and too much like attaching ideas of success to some specific outcome. I prefer rather setting an intention for more of a general way of being. How do I want to be in 2022? What qualities do I want to cultivate? What habits do I want to work more on, and which ones do I instead want to down-regulate? This could be so many things, like being more gentle with ourselves, being more compassionate with ourselves or others, showing a little more appreciation for and even celebration of our bodies and what they can do vs bemoaning our limitations, slowing down some, really paying attention to how different habits make us feel (ie How do I feel when I take time for self care, hold strong to my boundaries, or make sure to get my exercise in? vs How do I feel when I rush in the morning, work too much, or over-commit?).

For me, this year, I had been thinking about my biggest intention, and then I saw this quote from Kino MacGregor, one of my favorite modern day yoga teachers, and it just clicked. This is it for me. This year, I am going to be more open, more flexible (in mind), and more equanimous. Less rigid, less attached to my beliefs about how I think things should be. More unfuckwithable, if you will ;). So that I can be less tense, upset, or disappointed if things don’t unfold in the exact way I would like. This way, I’m open and accepting to whatever comes, taking each day as it is, able to maintain clarity, presence, and even joy, despite whatever my mind deems less-than-ideal circumstances. Because obviously things don’t always go the way we want them to in life. Life is unpredictable, and full of challenges, big and small (especially on a cancer journey). And no amount of being mad or sad or resisting things that happen is going to make them bend to our will. This doesn’t mean we have to like everything that happens in our lives, or be happy about it. I don’t like that a child very near to my heart is going through cancer treatment right now. I don’t like it one bit. But I realize that no amount of negativity in my mind is going to help the situation or make it go away. And in fact, it will instead create more suffering and anxiety for me and those around me, and also make me less capable of being a support to the kid and his family. So instead, I am trying to accept it, to recognize that this is the situation we are in, and then finding some clarity on what I can do to help.

And this flexibility of mind, or openness to the flow of things doesn’t just have to be in relation to big challenges. It is perhaps even more important in the context of the many small challenges, detours, and inconveniences that happen day in and day out throughout our lives. As a real time example, as I was initially writing this blog yesterday, the internet went down in all of central Mexico for several hours. At first, I was frustrated, thinking “dang it, I really wanted to get this blog done today, and now my whole plan is blown out of the water”, but then I took a breath, and realized it didn’t really matter if I got it done yesterday, or just got back to it when the internet came back on line. Sometimes I can get so caught up in my idea about what I wanted to accomplish at some certain time that I lose sight of whether it really matters or not. Does it really matter if I go to the grocery in the morning or the afternoon, or if I eat lunch at noon vs 1? Does it really matter if there is a traffic detour causing me to arrive at my destination 5, or even 30 minutes later than I would have? (OK, not the 24 hour snowstorm traffic disaster that happened recently in Virginia, that is different, geez). In most circumstances, learning to be more flexible, and just roll with the changes, adapting on the fly, helps me feel so much more peaceful, more equanimous, less disturbed by every little change. Paradoxically, learning to be more flexible and release my need to control every detail of my life allows me to feel so much more in control of my state of consciousness, rather than allowing external circumstances to dictate my mood and my happiness. So instead of freaking out yesterday, I took the downed internet as an opportunity to water my plants and enjoy the fresh air a little instead. Maybe that was what I really needed yesterday anyway?! As the Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a brilliant stroke of luck”. I’ll be practicing seeing this stroke of luck when things don’t go the way I planned this year.

All of this is svadhyaya, or self-study, from yoga philosophy, right? And it is so important that we put in a little effort to understand ourselves and how our choices impact how we feel and the quality of our consciousness. If we aren’t aware of ourselves, how will we know how we could improve our experience? So my advice as we embark on 2022 is to spend a little time thinking about how 2021 felt for you, whether you can notice any habits, behaviors, or thought patterns that aren’t in line with how you would like to be, or that don’t support you feeling your best. And then in the light of that awareness, you will begin to find yourself adjusting and adapting, growing into healthier habits and patterns for the coming year.

Of course, along with improving the flexibility in my mind, I’ll still be working on the flexibility in my spine as well. I hope you’ll come along with me. May 2022 bring us all growth, health, and happiness!

Namaste

Getting comfortable with impermanence

What if?? What if we could do that? Just sit down and enjoy the ride, even when things are tough, even when big changes come, and even when those changes bring things that are not in line with our preferences. Rather than being disheartened, rather than being filled with sadness or anger, or feeling like our whole world has fallen apart. Because truly, this IS the way life is. This is what it means to be human (Pema Chodron is brilliant!). Right? As they say, the only constant in life is change. Things are constantly changing. Our skin wrinkles, we change jobs, friends come and go in our lives, we move to far away places, we get divorced, and the world around us changes just as much (think technology, fads, politics, everything!). Our preferences even change and something that we find really pleasing today might not be enjoyable at all 5 years from now. The way we think about things changes with ongoing experience and perspective. Our bodies change, be it through childbirth, cancer surgery, other disease, injury, or just natural aging. Sadly, we also all lose friends and family members at some point along the way, a change that can be the most devastating because of its permanence.

This brings me to the point. That truly, most things are impermanent. And it is our resistance to this idea that makes us suffer the most. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not”. Why do we think that things should stay the same forever? And why would we want that, even if we could flip some magical switch and make it so? Without change, we would never grow and learn. Sure, maybe things would be easier and more comfortable. But that just isn’t reality. Change is just the way life is. It is part of being human. So why shouldn’t we learn to just lean into that change, to let go of our reflex to resist it or strain against it, and to embrace it and all that it may bring us. Ahhhhh the freedom that comes when we release all of that tension and resistance, and just open ourselves to the natural flow of things.

Having cancer sure gives us a lesson in impermanence and change. Our bodies change, our hair changes (although some of that can be a welcome change 😉 ), even our eyebrows change! Our priorities change, they way we value our relationships changes (some in one direction and others, another), the way we plan for our future changes, and the way we enjoy even life’s little moments changes. Some of the changes suck big time, but others are really a breath of fresh air. The good news is, even when those really sucky changes come rolling in, we can remember impermanence and know that they won’t stay forever.

Yoga practice actually provides a nice place to practice impermanence, as our practice definitely changes all the time. Some days we feel stronger, some days less so, sometimes we must adapt the practice for an injury or an illness. There may be some years when power yoga is what feels really good to us, and others where we need the slow quiet introspection of yin yoga. But this is a beautiful thing about yoga, that it can change and morph with us, supporting us in whatever phase or stage of life we are in, helping us to roll with those changes, accepting them as a part of our human experience.

At first glance, this idea of impermanence might seem depressing (what do you mean my beloved pet won’t be by my side forever?!), but with a little practice in adjusting our perspective, it can actually help us enjoy life even more, by encouraging us to really be present and appreciate the good times, rather than being distracted and taking them for granted. AND, understanding impermanence makes dealing with the trying times so much easier, by helping us remember that, no matter how hard this moment seems, it won’t be like this forever. So in truth, recognizing impermanence can be a really healthy practice and a helpful coping mechanism.

I hope that today you are finding it easy to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Namaste

Listening to ourselves so we can heal and grow

Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn, the creator of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program, said “Nobody can listen to your body for you. To grow and heal, you have to take responsibility for listening to it yourself”, and this couldn’t be more true, or more important, for us as cancer survivors.

In one way, this is a little scary. We have to do this part of the healing ourselves. The medicine, the doctors, the nurses, and our friends cannot do this part for us. But the flip side of that is that we CAN do this part of the healing ourselves! How empowering! Something that is within our own reach and our own control. All we have to do is listen. Tune in. With an open heart and an open mind, without judgement for whatever may be going on inside of us. In whatever ways this may change day to day. We just listen. With love and compassion for ourselves and a recognition of everything that we have been through. With gratitude that we are here today, breathing, and growing. Each day stronger, more resilient, and more connected. We listen.

Yoga practice is so great for encouraging this process. As you move and breathe in your practice, you automatically listen and feel what is going on inside. And you connect to that place where relaxation, peace, transformation, and healing can occur. This is some of the magic of yoga. See you on the mat.

Namaste

Strong is the new sexy!

I’m feeling strong today, and hoping you are too! This was one of my biggest fears as I traversed all of my cancer treatment; that I would never be able to get back to full strength. I grew up with two older brothers, and always looked up to them and wanted to be like them, so I was pretty tough from a young age. I never wanted to hear that there was anything that I couldn’t do, or that I was too weak because I was a girl or because I was small. Fast forward to age 40, when I got my first big dose of learning that there are some things you really can’t just muscle through. Cancer treatment is insanely humbling, as the changes to our bodies and the effects of the treatment are profound, and no amount of stubbornness or toughness can change that. It’s just a fact. And we must learn to accept that these changes are a part of the treatment that was necessary to try to save our lives. Not that we have to like them. But acceptance is important to our peace of mind. Instead of staying angry or sad at the new condition of our bodies, we can accept that this is what was required, and throw a little love to our bodies for doing the best they can to heal and carry us through.

But wait! It gets better from here. Acceptance doesn’t have to mean we resign ourselves to staying there forever. Acceptance means recognizing that this is a necessary step on the path, and resisting it or hating it just makes it that much more unpleasant. So a deep breath and quiet acceptance of each step is important. But what comes next is up to us! Mahatma Gandhi said “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will”, and I feel this so deeply. I believe that it is this indomitable will, this gentle persistence, this fire deep in the pit of our bellies, that can help us pull ourselves back up after the effects of cancer treatment do what they must.

Of course there is some physical aspect to strength. Yoga asana practice has been so essential in helping me rebuild the physical strength that I lost during cancer treatment. Sadly, these treatments do sometimes have direct effects on our muscles, nerves, and other tissues, leaving legitimate damage and weakness. But with proper approach and patience, most of us truly can recover much, if not all, of our physical strength. And even if we have permanent damage to certain nerves or muscles, we can learn to strengthen surrounding muscles that can compensate for the others.

Yoga also teaches us softness, and to gracefully navigate the balance between our strength and this softness. Yoga does this by really making us tune in to our bodies and feel when we have the strength to push forward and when we need to back off or rest. As we become more and more in touch with ourselves, we re-develop a deep trust in ourselves and our bodies. Cancer and cancer treatment can really destroy that trust, leaving us feeling betrayed by our bodies and disconnected. Yoga helps to restore that connection and that trust. And this, I believe is where our indomitable will comes back into play. Much of strength lies in believing in ourselves, in trusting that we can do something, that we can handle whatever comes our way. Even in times when we feel weak or are struggling with some of these side effects, if we can dig down and find that indomitable will, we will muster the ability to keep going and try again. Yoga helped me to rebuild trust in myself, to re-establish that connection, where I could believe in myself again and know that I would get there. And that I would get there safely by continuing to tune in and proceed with my practice while maintaining that balance so I didn’t have to fear injuring myself or my various scarred body parts. Fear of injury can be a real roadblock in rebuilding strength or resuming activity after cancer treatment. So this reconnection and rebuilding of trust in ourselves and our bodies is imperative in coming back.

This is one of the main reasons I developed this website. To help others who are going through their own breast cancer experience to safely and cautiously begin a yoga practice and find a way to reconnect to their strength in body and in mind. To start slow and easy and foster this connection with themselves and their own bodies, to regain trust, and to overcome those fears that they simply can’t or that they will injure themselves if they try. And then once each individual starts to feel comfortable, my hope is that they then have the tools and the belief in themselves that they can continue their journey of yoga or other activities in whatever way they want. They can continue to practice here with us, OR they’ll also feel comfortable doing yoga anywhere, without feeling limited or fearful, trusting their own bodies and knowing how to modify the practice if needed to care for themselves in any yoga class. Obviously we’d love to have you continue to practice and grow with us here, but we also recognize that it is important to participate in your own communities, in live classes with your friends and loved ones. So once you feel comfortable, go see what all is available. And if you have any doubts or concerns, let me know and I’ll see how I can help.

So wherever you are in your cancer and yoga journey, be patient and understanding with yourself. Really try to tune in and feel what is going on in your body so you can develop that connection, balance, and trust again. Find your indomitable will. And believe you can do it! You are strong beyond measure.

BTW the pose in the pic is tittibhasana, or firefly pose. Funnily enough I have the strength for this one, but not quite the flexibility. It is a work in progress, just like I am!

Namaste

Relaxing into our most vulnerable spaces to find freedom in breast cancer recovery


Y’all have heard me talk about how I find backbends particularly challenging. But at the same time, I find them tremendously freeing and opening, meaning after I practice a deep backbend, I feel like something that was previously stuck is becoming unstuck, and I feel this rush of relaxing energy buzzing around my body. In other words, I have a love-hate relationship with backbends. But the love part is growing stronger with time and practice. 

There are a lot of reasons why backbends can be challenging. For one thing, we never backbend in normal life. We are always bending forward, maybe now more than ever with our technology driven lifestyle. We bend forward looking at our phones, working at the computer, sitting on the couch watching netflix, not to mention while cooking, eating, reading a book, driving our cars, and tying our shoes. We very rarely bend backward. So the feeling is just foreign, which translates to scary and uncomfortable for many of us. Not only are our spines not used to it, but the soft tissues on the front side of our body aren’t used to it. The muscles of the abdominal wall and front of the pelvis/hips can be tight, and feel overstretched in backbends. And for us breast cancer survivors, we often have tremendous tightness on the front side of our chest and shoulders related to surgery and/or radiation, and this makes backbending even more challenging. We might also fear falling over backwards in a backbend, afraid that we are not as coordinated or in control of our bodies in these positions, so we can’t catch ourselves if we fall. 

So what do we do when we are scared or we feel uncomfortable? We tense up our muscles and we hold our breath, both of which make us even less flexible. Next time you try a backbend, see if you can notice muscles tensing up. Perhaps in your back, your glutes, your hips, or your shoulders. I know they do for me. I have to remind myself to get out of my own way. To breathe deeply. And to relax. When I am able to do that, I find so much flexibility that I didn’t know I had, and this is where I find that opening, that un-sticking, that freeing up of previously obstructed energy flow. And I think this is what Iyengar means, when he says “There must be relaxation in full extension”. If we are to get the full benefits of backbending postures, or spinal extensions as we call them in yoga, we must learn to relax, even in the midst of these uncomfortable and challenging positions.

Even more than the physical challenges associated with backbending (front body tightness, muscle tension, spinal stiffness), we can also be challenged by some mental or emotional roadblocks. The front side of our body is the sensitive side, the vulnerable side. And just as animals protect the front, or belly/throat-side, of their bodies in an attack or battle with another animal, we seem to instinctively know that we need to protect the front side of our bodies more than our back sides, which are more durable and resistant to injury, owing to our bony spine, ribs, and large back muscles. So when we bend backward, we can feel this profound vulnerability, as we open up our soft front side to the world. Even though we know nobody is going to jab a spear through our belly in the yoga studio, we still feel exposed and vulnerable, and this adds to the discomfort. Compound that with our self-consciousness about our breast cancer scars, our reluctance to show those to the world, and our fear that those areas might be weak or fragile, and backbends are just all kinds of difficult.

But this is what the practice of yoga is about. Not only will backbending practice release the tightness in our chest and shoulders, strengthen back muscles, improve posture, optimize bloodflow to the spine and surrounding tissues, and make us feel physically better. At the same time, we are training ourselves to do things that are challenging, and we are slowly learning to be able to do them with ease and grace, using the strength of our minds and our breath to carry us through. Learning to open, rather than retreat, in the face of vulnerability and fear. Learning to trust ourselves and tune in to our resilience, even in our most difficult moments. And it is here that we discover we are powerful beyond measure. That no challenge, be it breast cancer treatment or other serious life trauma, can close us down. Instead, we relax into the backbend, shining our hearts, our breasts (or scars as it may be), and our bellies out into the world, vulnerable, but confident in ourselves, and free.

Backbend on, yogis! You can do it, and you’ll thank yourself later.

Namaste

Do you have anything weighing you down in your cancer recovery?

You wanna fly, you gotta give up the shit that weighs you down. Wow, I love this simple, direct, and real truth from Toni Morrison. Do you have any shit weighing you down? Sometimes it is even hard to see it, because we so accept, and even embrace, it as a part of who we are. Of course, all of our emotions and thought patterns and behavioral habits developed for a reason. We were trying to protect ourselves from something, or trying to adapt to or cope with a difficult situation. So all of these things have their role and their place and time in our lives. I’m not saying we should shun them or block them out or forcibly suppress them, pretending to be someone that we are not. Because honestly that doesn’t work very well either. But if we can recognize any unhealthy or unwanted shit that we are carrying, that is no longer serving us in any positive way, then we can recognize when we are ready to just let it go. As they say, awareness is the first step toward change. So we must first spend a little time looking honestly and deeply at ourselves. In yoga, this is called svadhyaya, or self-study. Within self-study, we must also remember compassion and non-judgement, being understanding with ourselves and why we developed whatever shit we developed. But then, with the light of awareness and a little loving kindness, we can decide if it is time to release it. And ahhhhhh, the freedom we feel when we are able to let go of that shit and fly!

What kind of things might be weighing us down? It could be different things for each of us, of course. Maybe anger at this cancer. Maybe fear of what may come. Sadness at the change in our bodies. Frustration at the loss of things we used to be able to do. Maybe disappointment in a loved one who was less than understanding or said the “wrong” things. Maybe a feeling of hopelessness that we will ever get back our strength and vitality. Maybe impatience at this slow healing. Maybe we have distanced ourselves from others to try to protect them, so we feel a little alone. Maybe we’ve got the why mes? Maybe we’re stuck in sick mode and afraid to let ourselves feel better. Maybe you have none of these? Maybe something else? All of these are perfectly normal and expected responses to the challenges of being diagnosed with cancer and all that follows. And we have every right to feel them. But we can also choose whether or not we want to stay there. Whether or not these are responses that are helpful to us feeling our best, and really re-learning how to enjoy our lives, in spite of our difficulties.

So once we are aware of all of the things we are feeling and how we are responding, and we have identified one or more that feel like they are weighing us down, then what? Not much actually. In the light of this awareness alone, in this space of mindfulness, where we notice the thing with understanding and non-judgement, that negative emotion or habit naturally loses its grip on us and begins to diffuse on its own. We begin to notice when it arises instead of letting ourselves get swept away in it. And then, a spaciousness arises where we have the clarity and the opportunity to choose an alternate response. One that feels better to us. One that is more in line with where we want to be. We may not yet be ready to give up all of our shit. Sometimes we need to just sit with it a while before it serves its purpose. But with awareness and self-study, you’ll know when you are ready to let it go. And there we find our freedom. Our healing. And our recovery. May we all give up that shit and fly!

Namaste friends

Btw this posture is called flying pigeon. It requires open hips, some arm strength, core strength, and a bit of practice. It is challenging, but also fun and empowering! Let me know if you want to try to start working on some fun arm balances. I’d be happy to help!